Series 5, Powers that Be. Pickle (David Learner), and Treguard (Hugo Myatt).

Top Ten Reasons: Obsessed

By Nicholas Lam

Our readers give their top ten reasons when you know you're obsessed with Knightmare.


Steven Webberley

  1. When you are told that for dinner it is your favourite meal and you say 'Lovely' in your best Skarkill impersonation
  2. When you play chess and your opponent loses and you say 'BONG!'
  3. When you walk onto your paved garden patio and, pretending it is a floor puzzle, you cross the patio by sidestepping and stepping on only one tile each time.
  4. When you play a board game involving being timed by an eggtimer (hourglass) and when the last of the sand trickles down, you say 'time up'.
  5. When you call for a friend and you say their name quickly three times even though she/he heard you straightway.
  6. When you go down a long corridor and move left and right as though you are dodging blades.
  7. When you convincingly win a game and you smugly boast 'I enjoy gloating, comes naturally'.
  8. When you are peckish and you chant out 'I hunger!'
  9. When a friend comes in and you cry 'Quail intruder!'
  10. When you are in hurry, and you spellcast a 'Speed' spell.

"If you have any of these symptoms, you are suffering from Knightmaritis."

The Corridor of Blades, as seen in Series 7 of Knightmare (1993).
The Corridor of Blades in 1993

Martin Odoni

  1. When you invite someone round to dinner and insist they answer a riddle correctly before letting them eat anything.
  2. When you've got a sore throat and you try to cast a CURE spell to get better.
  3. When you're accused of lying and answer "I can't believe I said that, what a fibber I am!"
  4. When you start describing in close detail the contents of the room to someone who can see it perfectly clearly for themselves.
  5. When you respond to someone else's virulent illness with the words "A danger to life force present".
  6. When you and your family get in the car and you cry "Brace yourselves! The end of the tunnel's up ahead and the car just won't sto-o-o-o-o-opppp!!!!"
  7. When you get lost on a day out and you tell someone in your party to hold up the Eye Shield.
  8. When you put an upturned mixing bowl on your head to block your view and demand your girlfriend give you directions out of the room.
  9. When you watch a bad news report on TV and you say "Oooooh nasty".
  10. When you catch yourself coming to a full stop on the street corner and then sidestepping down the adjoining street.

The minecart tunnel, as seen in Series 3 of Knightmare (1989).
The Minecart Ride, Series 3 (1989)

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See Also