Knightmare.com

Treguard: And now, to begin our latest quest, please welcome my glamourous assistant, Majida! (nothing happens) Majida? (shouting) Majida!!!

Brother Strange: "Tell me a poem and I'll give you a spying apparatus"

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Fidjit: "Ever heard of Abus or Yale by any chance?"

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Brollochan: "Feed my hunger---"
Dungeoneer: "Shut it rubber HEAD!"

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*Dungeoneer gets captured by Skarkill*

Treguard: "Use what weapons you may have and use them NOW!"

Advisor: You know the plan mate? Splice his nadgers in two!

Dungeoneer: (Size 10 steel-toe capped Dr.Martins)

/\/\/CRASH!!!\/\/\

Dreadnaught: All systems, go Telesonic!

Lord Fear: Let's be Hens!

And just to prove that I'm not completely insane...

http://www.interfunt.com/hens/default.htm


P.S.
Drassil, your Knightmare burp is very funny, I've just never mentioned it because I don't want to sound like a creep.

Series 2!

Gretal: Where's Hansel?

Mildred: In my oven!

Gretal: Why?

Mildred: Cos the cauldren is in the shop! [Cackle]

Series 7

Sidriss: Oh dear! I've missed my Mensa meeting! Father will be happy!



Actually,.....I wouldn't be surprised if she did say that!

Advisor: Whats on the table?
Dungeoneer: There is a Candle, A bottle of whiskey, A bazooka and some acid rounds!
Advisor: Take the whiskey, put it in your knapsack
Dungeoneer: Shall we take the bazooka?
Advisor: Yeah

GOLGARACH APPEARS

Golgarach: Hold intruder, touch nothing else and face me
Dungeoneer: (Loading Bazooka) Yeah, yeah be with you in a minute (Cocks the gun)
Golgarach: Face me now!
Dungeoneer: (Readying) Okay!

SWINGS ROUND AND FIRES! GOLGARACH MELTS UNDER THE POWERFUL ACTION OF THE ACID AND EXPLOSION

Treguard: Congratulations team, you've defeated the wall monster (murmers) the wrong way... Ahem

Mildred: It's at times like this I wish I'd listened to Professor Snape a little more in potions class.

Treguard: "And remember: If there's someone crying in the West, we'll wipe away their tears. If someone's going hungry in the East, we'll go and feed them homemade cooking. That is our noble mission as the Powers that Be."

The Series Six Samurai: Save the Fear Leader, save the Dungeon.

---

[Originally posted Tue 18 Dec '07, 18:29]

[A knight stumbles into the Level 2 mining pit, looking dazed. Bumptious comes over.]

Bumptious: Are you alright, Sir?

The Knight: No. I just encountered the Mills of Doom. I finished, and apparently I'd beaten it, but half my gold had disappeared.

Bumptious: That's awful, Sir. What's your name?

The Knight: I am Sir Paul. Sir Paul McCartney.

[Pause.]

Bumptious: Of course, if you want to know how a real gold-digger works, follow me. [Picks up a shovel and walks towards the minecart.] By the way, do you think you could help me solve a riddle? It's about a bombardier, a stag, a caterpillar hunter...

---

[Mildread, Mrs. Grimwold and Mistress Goody are standing around Mildread's cauldron.]

Mildread: When shall we three meet again?

Mrs. Grimwold: Friday's good for me.

Mistress Goody: Me too.

Mildread: I can't do Fridays. It'll have to be Monday. How does 2 sound?

Mrs. Grimwold: I won't be available until 3, dearie, and then I have to be off before 4. So how about 3?

Mistress Goody: Too early for me. Anything before 4 is out.

Mildread: Well, it looks like we'll never meet.

Mrs. Grimwold: Some book club this is. [Throws The Da Vinci Code into the cauldron.]

Mildread: We weren't reading that.

Mrs. Grimwold: Oh, I know, but I'd been meaning to get rid of it.

Drassil wrote:[The shot changes to Neil and his advisors singing Motorhead's 'Ace Of Shovels'. Harry, dressed in leathers, dances behind them and joins in at the end. The show finishes.]

Ye gods, I have missed this...

And due apologies if anyone's thought of these before, but I've been living on Mars for a year or so (as Henry Kelly once said). Still, while I'm here and while my brain still works, how about these...

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Igneous:
"I am Igneous of wegend. Face me or pewish! Pwease me or depart in ignowance!"

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Igneous (again):
"Thrrrrrree is the scorrrrre. Never mind the crrrrown, your quest is for the aspirrrrrin! Brrrrrring it back to me!" (refer to Treguard's comment at his first appearance...)

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Olaf:
"Lootings and pillagings..." (etc etc)
Random dungeoneer:
"Snakker du norsk?"
Olaf:
"Ja, jeg snakke norsk. Også svensk, dansk og islensk... hva bytte vil du ha for Olaf?"

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Treguard:
"Somewhere in the dark and nasty regions, where nobody goes, stands an ancient castle. Deep within this dank and uninviting place lives Berk..."
Pickle:*
"Hello!"
Treguard:
"...overworked servant of The Thing Upstairs."
Granitas:
"BERK! FEED ME!"
Treguard:
"But that's nothing compared to the horrors that lurk beneath the trapdoor, for there is always something down there, in the dark, waiting to come out..."

You know what's coming next...

...really, you do...

...I shouldn't even need to post it...

...but here goes anyway...

Mellisandre:
"Don't you open that... TRAP DOOR!"
Folly:
"You're a fool if you dare!"
Mellisandre:
"Don't you open that... TRAP DOOR!"
Hordriss:
"Cos there's something down there!"

(dramatic finishing chords)


* I had to go more for the "overworked servant" aspect, given that the only character with anything like an authentic West Country accent was Marta... all other voices, or appropriate characters, should be intact. And if anyone continues to object... it's half past two in the morning and I should have better things to do that sitting up all night in front of t'interwebnet and thought it might be a good idea to finish it off quickly...

Methinks the Samurai could well be Hatchi-Man from ThunderCats... "Like my Thunder-Cutter young whelp!?" LOL

Oh and I've developed a new theory. Do you honestly believe that Sidriss is really Hordriss' daughter. She blond and dippy! Methinks Merlins been knocking Hordriss' wife off beind his back... Which gives his wife a new name: Wh*redriss! Hehehehe! No wonder you dont see her:

Dungeoneer: Did you ever have a wife?
Hordriss: Yes, but everybody else had her too though!

Treguard: "No, its papier mache."

Treguard: Aah, Bisto!

---

Treguard: Nicole?

Majida: Papa?

---

[1988: Series 2. A dungeoneer is leaving Merlin's hall.]

Merlin: Oh, er, take this exit. [A new portal appears.] It's much better.

[The dungeoneer does so. He enters a dark room with Rick Astley's face looming large in one corner.]

Rick Astley: Welcome to Rick's Playpen. Now you're here, I'm Never Gonna Give You Up. We'll be together a while. Together... Forever! [Evil laughter.]

Treguard: Oooh, nastley! I'm afraid you were 'Rickrolled' by Merlin, team. You know the rules, and so do I: your quest cannot continue, so it's D, I, S, M, I, S, S.

Hehehe

Hordriss seems to have taken the form of Noel Edmonds.

Treguard: Aaaahh, beware team this is Edmonds the confuser, neither light or dark but distinctly grey.........

Dungeoneer: Errr, hi.

Edmonds: Hello there young one. Hang on a moment.. (Phone rings).
Two way conversation between Edmonds and the caller begins.

Edmonds: Ahh yes, hello there sir. Yes he's made in to level 2. No, not level 3 yet.

Caller: Hmmmm. I want to offer him a compromise on his quest. Either he can continue his quest for the sword of freedom or he can have a cheque for £250,000 and go home.

Edmonds: I'll let him know.

Edmonds: You have a choice young dungeoneer. Either you can take home a cheque for £250,000 or you may continue your quest for the sword. What's it to be.

Pause.

Treguard: Come on team you must make a decision.

Advisor: £250,000 is a lot of money. Let's take it.

Edmonds: £250,000 DEAL OR NO DEAL?

Dungeoneer: Deal!!!!!

Pickle: Hmmm, I'm not sure that was the right choice master!!!

Treguard: stupid elf, of course it was. Team, can I have a share of the money?