Recently I was back at my family's house, and on a just-about functioning old computer hard drive I found all my old designs/random writings from almost twenty years ago. One that stood out was "Knightmare Just a Minute", a brief fanfic I wrote in 2004 while waiting to watch the new movie 'The Incredibles' at the cinema
I'd been listening to JaM lots on Radio 4 that year, and was trying to find ways of combining KM with other programmes you wouldn't normally associate it with. My Knightmare/Chucklevision fanfic from that year is somewhere online (the Lexicon I think) while also on this hard drive I found never-finished attempts at combining Knightmare/Doctor Who and Knightmare/The Simpsons - now I've got the Word files back I might finally try and finish them!This I never posted at the time due to being an immensely shy sixteen year old who didn't have confidence in his work. But many years later, and as a nice tribute to the recently deceased Nicholas Parsons, I thought I'd finally publish it on this forum below. Nothing's been changed from my original teenage draft and I still think there's some amusing-ish moments in it, so enjoy
====
Treguard: Welcome, listeners, to Just a Minute!
(Applause, theme tune)
Treg: And as the Minute Waltz fades away once more, it is my pleasure to welcome you all to this very special Knightmare edition of Just a Minute. As Nicholas Parsons seems to be elsewhere right now, I, Treguard of Dunshelm, will be the chairman tonight. With me are four resident dungeongoers who are ready to speak without Hesitation, Repetition or Deviation for 60 seconds on a chosen subject, for that is the object of the game if you've never heard it before. On my left is Merlin and Mogdred (you won't believe how long it took to get them both here tonight) and on my right is Pickle and Majida. Would you please welcome all four of them!
(Applause)
Treg: Sitting behind me is the Ogre, who will growl when the 60 seconds are up. So, without further ado, Merlin, you're starting the show off, and a easy subject for you indeed- Knightmare itself. Will you please talk about that subject for 60 seconds, starting now!
Merlin: Well, I, erm...
*BUZZ*
Treg: Pickle challenged.
Pickle: Hesitation, master.
Merl: Oh, come now! I hadn't even, er, even, er...
Treg: ...started, Merlin? That may be so, but you did hesitate, so Pickle, you gain one point for a correct challenge and you have 59 seconds on Knightmare starting now.
Pick: Knightmare was a thoroughly excellent programme, the highlight years surely being 1990 to 1992. All the others weren't worth bothering with, really...
*BUZZ*
Treg: And Majida has challenged.
Majida: Ee is talking out of hees eears! Thee best years were the last two, because I was een them!
Treg: Er, I'm afraid that isn't a correct challenge...Pickle, one point to you and 48 seconds left.
Pick: Kni...
*BUZZ*
Treg: Majida challenges again.
Maji: Ok, repeteetion. Ee said 'the' twice, so do I get a go yet, huh?
Treg: I think it would be terribly unfair to include words like 'the', so another point to Pickle, and you have 47 seconds left.
Pick: By far the best character in the history of Knightmare, was, of course, myself...
*BUZZ*
Pick: Oh, elf boots...
Treg: And Majida challenges a third time...
Maji: Hee's lyeeng!
Treg: That STILL isn't a correct challenge, so Pickle...*sighs* yet another point to you, and 43 seconds left on Knightmare.
Pick: ...not to be confused with a certain IRRITATING genie who killed off the show just when it was getting...
*BUZZ*
Pick: ARGH!
Maji: That's EET! I'm SEECK of all theese LYEES! Eet's a stupid game anyway! I'm leeving!
(sounds of stamping feet and door slamming)
Mogdred: Well, THIS is going well.
Pick: He speaks!
Treg: Don't worry, ladies and gentlemen, we have several standby contestants on hand, so in Majida's place we now have Sly Hands.
Sly Hands: Er, 'ello.
Pick: Great...does anyone want to switch seats?
Treg: I think we'd best move on to a different subject, seeing all the trouble this one has caused...
Pick: Aww, just when I was getting the hang of it!
Treg: So Sly, since you're the newcomer, your subject is Pookas, and your 60 seconds begins now!
Sly: Nasty 'orrible things, Pookas. Was menaced on the way 'ere by one, all big an' green an' slimy. 'Is Lordship says...he's ever such a nice bloke, 'e is...'e says...
*BUZZ*
Treg: Pickle challenges.
Pick: Deviation.
Treg: I suppose so, going from Pookas to how nice Lord Fear is, something I wholeheartedly don't agree with...
Sly: Oi! If 'e 'eard you say that, e'd, e'd...
Treg: He'd WHAT, Sly? Red dragons, trolls, series cancellations...we've always managed to get the one up over him. Anyway, Pickle, he did indeed deviate, so a point to you and 52 seconds left.
Pick: Pookas are...
*BUZZ*
Treg: Ah, Mogdred has challenged!
Mogd: Deviation.
Pick: WHAT?! NO, NO WAY DID I...
(Mogdred glares at Pickle, Pickle shuts up)
Pick: ...well done, excellent challenge...
Treg: I didn't notice him deviate, but alright, he admits it, so one point and 51 seconds left on Pookas.
Mogd: Ah, Pookas! Causing terror in the hearts of dungeoneers! Terror, terror, terror...
(Pickle reaches for the buzzer, Mogdred glares again, Pickle puts hand back)
Mogd: Terror, terror, terror, terror...
*BUZZ*
Treg: Merlin challenges.
Merl: Sorry, dropped off for a bit there. He, um, did something, something that isn't allowed, I think.
Treg: What, repetition of 'terror'?
Merl: Yes, I suppose so.
Treg: Sorry, Mogdred, but your alter ego is right this time, so Merlin actually gains a point and has 39 seconds left.
Merl: So what's the subject? Pinkas? Punkas? Er, Ponkas...
Treguard: Pookas.
Merl: Thank you. Yes, Pookles...
Treguard: Pookas, Merlin...
Merlin: Plookas...
Treguard: POOKAS!
Merlin: POOKAS! Yes! Don't need to shout, it's only a game! Well, Pookas, er, well indeed. They, they do something, erm, something that's, well, they move, fly around and, er, do things. Yes? Yes. Yes, they do things to do with other things, er, what are they called, dungieonimins, no, dungeoneers, that's right! Ah ha ha, yes indeed! Dungeoneers, they re...retreat. Mmm. They retreat from these, green, green things, I've forgotten the names of them now. Ah yes. And they, they also...
Ogre: RAAAGH!
(Applause followed by 10 seconds of silence. Stick enters in from stage left and pokes Treguard, who jumps)
Treg: Oh, has someone won? Merlin, you've somehow managed to get a bonus point for talking as the whistle went. I don't know if you managed to do it properly, though, as we all fell asleep...the scores, then. Pickle is in the lead with an amazing 5 points, followed by Merlin with 2 points, Mogdred with 1 and Sly Hands with none!
(Applause, Pickle looks smug)
Treg: Next subject is for Mogdred, and it's a hard one as you weren't in it! It's Series 7, and your 60 seconds starts now.
...
Treg: Er, where IS Mogdred?
Pickle: Not sure, master, now there's just an empty seat.
Treg: Alright, let's bring in another standby contestant...Barry!
(everyone groans)
Treg: Barry, since it would be unfair if you came in halfway through and had no points, you're inheriting Mogdred's total of one.
Barry: Well, thank you, I must say it's an honour to be on this show, especially in the fine company of you all, and indeed the audience...
Sly: 'Ere! How come I didn't get any of those genie woman's points?
Treg: Because she didn't have any in the first place. Barry, you have Just a Minute to talk about Series 7, starting now.
Barr: Series 7, a classic Knightmare series. It was shown between Friday 10th September and 17th December 1993, always at the time of 4.40pm on CITV across the United Kingdom. In 1996 it was repeated on the Sci Fi Channel, and on Challenge in 2004. There were seven teams - which isn't a repetition, as 'seven' is part of the subject too - and two of them were winners, including myself with Simon, Derek and Daniel (Team 7) and the one before that, featuring Julie, Helen, Samantha and the third advisor, who had the same name as the one who began with H. All new series include several changes, and this one was no exception. A new helmet of justice, for example, which the dungeoneer could now see through at certain times. I could go on for days about Series 7...the first team consisted of Simon, David, Matthew and Nicholas who died in Level 3 at Play Your Cards Right, a new puzzle. The second? They were Nicola, Diane, Lisa and Vicky. And they...
Ogre: RAAAGH!
(Standing ovation from audience)
Treg: Well, Barry lasted the whole 60 seconds without being challenged once! Two points to him. Our final subject tonight...
Barr: ...needed a nightsight, which they didn't have. After that came...
Treg: Barry, it's over! The ogre has roared!
Barr: Alex, James, Neil and Richard...
Treg: Barry!
Barr: And they met their end in the same way as the first...
Sly: (Now with a large bottle in hand) Lischen you, if you (hic!) don't sheut up, I'm gounna, I'm gounna...(collapses on desk)
(Treguard sighs, puts feet up and starts reading The Daily Dungeon)
Barr: As for the FOURTH, well...
Merl: Spellcasting! S!
Barr: You may have heard of the Trial By Spikes...
Merl: I!
Pick: ...L, E, N, C, E!
(Barry's mouth disappears)
Pick: That ought to shut him up until tomorrow morning.
Merl: Indeed, Gickle.
Pick: Pickle.
Merl: Pickle. So, Treguard, what's the next subject?
Treg: Who cares, Merlin? Pickle's obviously won. I knew we should have done 'I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue' instead...
(Treguard sighs and exits antechamber)
Pick: Ah well. G'night folks!
(Applause, theme tune)
Billy: You've been listening to the first- and probably last- Special Knightmare Edition of Just a Minute! It starred Treguard, Merlin, Mogdred, Pickle, Majida, the Ogre, Sly Hands and Barry Thorne. Based on the original 'Just a Minute' devised by Ian Messiter, and ripped off...er, homaged in this fanfic by Billy Hicks. Originally written on the 29th of November 2004!
(Epilogue. The studio is now empty, save for a bored Pickle and Merlin still seated)
Pick: Fancy a game of Mornington Cresent, Merlin?
Merl: Crazed Heffer.
Pick: Mornington Cresent.
Merl: You win.
Pick: Fix.
THE END
