Allow me to punch the air with a joyful "Yeeeeeesss!" as I now have all of Series 4 on tape, just in time. Remember when I said episode 8 was weird? Well, it isn't a patch on this.
"Aah, don't they look sweet and helpless?" says Treguard, referring to Vicki & Co. WHAT?! Who are you, and what have you done with the real Treguard? Maybe he just had too much bubble bath today and is feeling all cutesy, or something.
Ah-ha, that's why! Fireguard, Treguard's evil twin (better known as the Ogre) is prowling round the dungeon. He growls a bit before Vicki gives him the bracelet she's carrying, which he seems to like so clears off. The panic continues when they hurriedly tell Vicki to run past the Giant Lizard, and then onto Fatilla, who's also in a very odd mood today - he appears to have got a job as the Level 1 Bouncer, stating that Vicki can't go in the well unless she's on The List. Except he can't read it, so asks her if she's on it..."Say yes, Vicki" the team say, immediately. Heck knows who else was on there, in the four years of KM so far we've never seen anyone other than dungeoneers who have been down there. Anyway, Fatilla asks for a tip, and Vicki picks him up and throws him off screen...nah, she gives him a key, which she says is a magic key that can open every door. Why, it must be the son of Casper!
The team enter Level 2 in the weirdest way ever - you see the sky getting further away as we go down the well, then a mid shot of Vicki floating down in mid-air to Gundrada's Glen, which is just too good (/subtle joke). Gundrada's also been affected by Merlin's Madness, as she thinks Vicki's a dwarf (with a helmet on?!) and goes to chop her head off. The team panic, and almost, almost plunge Vicki in the gaping pit in the middle..."STOP!!" they all scream in unison, probably the biggest on the decibel scale until Rebecca and Co tackle the runes in Series 8, which actually broke the glass on my TV ("This is, of course, a complete lie"). They eventually convince her, and Gundrada tries this advising lark for herself, guiding Vicki into a safer place and then manoeuvring her out the room.
Oh, go away Melly. The 'barbarian's' coming to get you, is he? Even though we've just seen him happy with his job as a bouncer? And, yes, you want out that Thing That Constrains People? We fell for this before, and all you did was steal one of the dungeoneer's items and run off. The team are given a choice - stick with Gundrada, or help out Mellisandre? They fall for Melly's scheme, so Gundrada storms out in a huff, probably thinking "I can't work with these amateurs!". And Melly...goes with them to the next room and clears off again. Yeah, good move team. Although she does help them out the room, repeating the 'I'm not getting any older' stuff from last time. What sounds like Treguard chuckles halfway through.
Everyone is messed up in this episode. But it is by far Merlin who is mostly affected, after all it's him where Merlin's Madness comes from. Last time we saw him he'd lapsed into sanity and asked the dungeoneer a straightforward riddle, ala the old days. Whereas now, HE'S GONE TOTALLY ROUND THE BEND MENTAL. "Don't sit down" he says, "I'm not the guardian". No, you're not The Telegraph either. This is also "not the Chamber of Opposite Extraction". Nurse, nurse!! The team stare in silence, and he gives them riddles. Pickle hints that you have to answer the opposite of what the real answers are, to humour him. I swear I heard Tim Child say "John, what the hell are you doing? Stick to the script!" at one point.
The first riddle they get wrong. Then the second. "Falsehood" says Merlin on both counts..."Does that mean we're right?" says one of the advisors. They're confused. I'm confused. Probably so is John Woodnutt, and quite a few of the five million watchers. His final riddle asks who didn't have to worry about the Ides of March, and the team, completely given up by now, say the March of Ides. "What?" says the dungeoneer, now also baffled. Falsehood again, so Merlin gives them a spell, SPRINT. So has he given them a SLOW spell, or what? The status bar shows no spell at all. What in god's name is going on?
They die in the next room, the Block and Tackle again. Except it seems they could have easily done it without whatever spell they had or didn't have, they just messed the directions up and had Vicki faff about on the spot for a bit. They're hit by a block and the
breaks up, with real life
-cracking sounds (and to think, fifteen years later the BBC removed a similar sound effect from primetime Saturday Night Doctor Who). The team stare at each other, then at Treguard, and are DISMISSED. "Strange, because its not the opposition that confused you, merely the opposites". Shove off, Treg.
The next team's dungeoneer is a chap called Dickon. "Pardon?" ponders Pickle. "Dickon" says Treguard. What is this, Carry On Knightmare? They choose the crown quest, and face the obligatory Bore Monster (who's mouth seems to have been composited in wrong today, it's oddly green tinged. Maybe she's just ate something that disagreed with her) and we time out. Treguard scary as hell as he asks us whether he thinks it's a game. Of course it is.
Isn't it?