Knightmare.com

Mrs G: Hello Deary, I would threaten to set my Festus on you, but it turns out he was a rare breed of three headed dog. He made us a fortune at Crufts and we sold him off to a dog kennel. But dont worry I can still threaten you, get him Grestus!
*kitten rubs dungeoneers leg*
Treguard: Warning team massive life force drain!

Mrs G alternative: Well, deary - I would threaten to set my Festus on you, but it turns out that at the beginning of the series, he had three heads; before my hubby bit one of them off. Then had two heads, but still the same three personalities and barking voice ranges. During the intermittant period of phase shift, my hubby got so fraught by the exploding dungeon that he bit the other off too. Now poor old Festus had one head, with the three personalities; so all I can say is look into the crystal ball; know that Festus-spirit will inhabit the to-be dead red dragon at the climax of S6 and return resurrected in S8 as Bal-Shebah, UNDERSTOOD!?

Good.. coz I didn't.

Morghanna: "Ah, I'm feeling generous Martin, since no-one has won on Series 3 yet I shall let you pass without being hurt."

Mogdred: Pledge Alligence to me
Dungeoneer: Ok then
Treguard: You betraying little whelp! Well I believe this quest is over. *turning to advisors* DISMISS. *advisors disappear* Now see how well you do!

Series 3 Goblin: 'Well, actually, Julie - hey, hey, stop it, you guys, I'm trying to talk to the Dungeoneer - our skin gets pretty flaky, without natural light and a proper diet and what have you; so if you could get us some moisturiser - it doesn't have to be too fancy, just a decent-sized bottle from a reputable shop - that'd be great, and we wouldn't have to, like, kill you.'

Adviser: 'OK, Julie, tell the goblins you don't have any moisturiser, but would they like...'

[Treguard chews on his knuckles]

Hordriss: Yo yo yo Dungeoneer, like my new medallion? Dontcha think its totally bling. Now I is wantin u 2 bring me back a bit of crack.

Dungeoneer: *Puts on helmet*
Treguard: Now Majida, now!
Majida: *Whacks him over the head*
*Dungeoneer wakes up to find himself on a slave ship*

Elita: "My mouth is so small you couldn't even fit a pea in it"

How the Helmet of Justice came to be
*Dungeoneer enters*
Treguard: Off you go then
*Dungeoneer wins quest easily without helmet on*
Treguard: Well done our 10th winner this season out of 10
Dungeoneer: That was so easy I could do it blindfolde
Tim Child: Hmmmm

Treguard; "Now you are ready for your quest. That is if you dont want to change your mind now?"

Dungeoneer; "Erm, well, as you come to mention it, I do! I mean I just saw the last guy die, I thought he was gonna win, but now, I know have no chance at all! Sorry to waste your time!"

Treguard; "Err, right, erm yes, ok! Pickle, you'll just have to go instead!"

[Dungeoneer is sliced on the Corridor Of Blades]

Treguard: My gosh, one of the blades got him!

Pickle: He's bleeding quite badly, Master. Both halves.

Treguard: Oh *?@#! Pickle, get down to the Anglia TV Canteen - I believe the Friday serving lady did a First Aid course. Quickly!

Adviser [crying]: Is he gonna be OK?

Treguard: I don't know. I don't KNOW! [Lifts one arm of his chair, to reveal a phone handset. Dials.] Yes, Ambulance, please...

Series 8...

Treguard: Quiche force fading...!

- - - SERIES 5 TEAM 4 - - -

Ben: Look, I know you like green gems, but I like red, my T-shirt proves it. So I guess you aren't going to help...

Elita: (snatches the gem off of him) Ahh, stuff it!

Treguard: 'Enter, Stranger!'

Voice from behind wall: 'What, pass through a solid wall? I'm a prepubescent kid from Taunton! Magic's your department!'

Treguard holds the staff high above his head and calls:

"By the power of Greystagg...I have...THE POWAAAAAAAAAR!"

*Majida morphs into a mighty battle-b!tch*

Dungeoneer: I can see the cup that heals!

Treguard: Excellent team, now take it and exit through that door!

Dungeoneer: Hold on, I can also see the sword, the crown and a lost maid!

Treguard: Er, you just leave those for another dungeoneer.

Dungeoneer: Why? I may as well take them all.

Treguard: Well, er...you can only take two objects at a time...

Dungeoneer: No, it's alright, i can manage with all four of them. Even the maid...

(Treguard mutters under breath)

*Later, with new team*

Treguard: Well, team. You can choose your quest objects. You can search for the bucket that protects, the broom that sweeps, the...er...kitten that meows or...er...Pickle, just go off into the dungeon for a bit. Let the dungeoneers find you.

Pickle: But what if the dungeoneer gets killed before they reach me?

Treguard: Well, that's a risk you'll just have to take. Now, off with you you silly sprite.