Knightmare meets Dragons' Den

[Drassil]

Tommy Boyd [voiceover]: First into the Dragons' Den is Merlin. He wants 50,000 groats to market his invention, the Knapsack: a bag that converts food into energy without the need for eating.

[Merlin enters a cave. Inside, five dragons - Bealwit, Owen, Smirkenorff, Red Death, Firestorm of Marblehead - are sitting on treasure heaps. They eye Merlin impatiently.]

Merlin: Hello, dragons. My name is, er... erm...

Tommy Boyd [voiceover]: It's a bad start. Nerves and senility are getting the better of Merlin, and he's forgotten his name. Can he recapture the dragons' interest, and gain their investment?

[Merlin remembers his name, then explains how the Knapsack works. The dragons ponder it.]

Red Death: Hello, Merlin, I'm Red. Let me just tell you where I am: I don't believe that this product is going to sell, and so I won't be investing today.

Bealwit: Merlin, you say that this Knapsack removes the need for chewing and digesting. How does that affect toilet habits?

[Merlin falls into a confused silence.]

Tommy Boyd [voiceover]: Bealwit has uncovered a flaw in the product. With Merlin unable to explain how other bodily habits are affected by the Knapsack, Owen is ready to show his hand.

Owen: If you think that anyone is going to buy this product, and stop tasting food, then I'm afraid you're rather ignorant. I'm out.

Tommy Boyd [voiceover]: While I get paid for stating the obvious and ruining the tension, Red Death and Owen are out. Smirkenorff decides to get down to financial matters.

Smirkenorff: Merlin, I'm most keen to hear what your sales figures are to date.

Merlin: Er... I need my financial advisor to answer that.

Bealwit: Sure, call your advisor.

Merlin: Treguard, Treguard, Treguard, come!

[Treguard appears. He then proceeds to explain that no Knapsacks have been sold - they've been given away free to about 70 children. There are sharp intakes of breath from the dragons.]

Firestorm: It doesn't sound like you actually want this to be a successful business.

Merlin: No, no, I...

Firestorm: Sorry, I'm out.

Tommy Boyd [voiceover]: Three dragons are out. Now Merlin's only hopes for investment lie with Bealwit and Smirkenorff.

Bealwit: Quite frankly, I don't know what makes you think this is an investible proposition. You must have come out of the Dark Ages. I also will not be investing.

Smirkenorff: You're not going to make any money. If you'd come to us with a shield that sees, or a wand that opens doors, then perhaps I'd be investing in you. But this isn't an idea that will make you a mint, and it wouldn't make me one either. I'm out.

[Merlin and Treguard trudge out of the cave, as the dragons mutter to each other.]

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[Originally posted Thu 19 Oct '06, 19:06]

Treguard: I have a Knightmare that one day this realm will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "The only way is onward, there is no turning back."

I have a Knightmare that one day on the red rocks of Bruin the elves of former Dungeon Masters and the Atlanteans of former technomancers will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.

I have a Knightmare that one day even the town of Wolfenden, a town sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.

I have a Knightmare that four little children will one day quest in a realm where they will not be judged by the number of their series but by the content of their character.

I have a Knightmare today.

I have a Knightmare that one day, down in Goth, with its vicious goblins, with its governor having his lips dripping with the words of interposition and nullification; one day right there in Goth, little elf boys and elf girls will be able to join hands with little mireboys and miregirls as sisters and brothers.

I have a Knightmare today.

[With apologies to Martin Luther King.]