Knightmare meets The Fast Show

[Drassil]

Now that the existence of Fast Show fans on the Forum has been confirmed...

[A Dungeoneer enters the antechamber. Treguard sidles over.]

Treguard: Hello, young Sir! How are we today, Sir?

Dungeoneer: Er... Hello. I'm OK thanks. How are you?

Treguard: Radiant, Sir, radiant!

Dungeoneer: I'm here to undertake a quest. I was told I have to wear a helmet.

Treguard: O, a helmet, Sir! O, suit you, Young Sir!

Pickle: [Bringing the equipment over] The girls like a boy in a helmet, don't they, Young Sir?

Dungeoneer: Er... I suppose. I'll also need a knapsack.

Treguard: A sack, Young Sir!

Pickle: My, we are eager today, aren't we, Young Sir? Now, there's the path...

Treguard: ...Step boldly forward...

Pickle: ...And don't turn back!

Treguard and Pickle: [Turning to each other] O!

[Willowherb]

Ha, ha  :D Oh, very good.

DREADNORT (to dungeoneer): "Er, I seek a small flowery umbrella - you haven't seen it anywhere have you?"

[Drassil]

More Fast Show ideas:  ::)

Gundrada: I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that the bwoadsword was a mistake, right? It dwaws attention to my hips, and, let's face it, that's a jolly bad idea. It's just so hard to accessorise on a quest and still look intimidating. So you'd better jolly well tell me... does my bum look big in this?

Treguard: 'Hello, and welcome to Knightmare. Kniiiiice. On the show today, we have a new quartet who I think you're going to like. Adventurous!'

Merlin: *Mumbles* ...a cartload of interesting potions... *mumbles* ...a rather interesting horn... *mumbles* ...and she arched her back, and scuttled across the room, like a catacombite... *mumbles* ...we lived on poisonous pookas for over a month... *mumbles* ...but I don't remember you see, because I'm afraid I was very, very, drunk.

Skarkill: *Sneaks up to a Dungeoneer* You ain't seen me... right? *Sneaks away*

Motley: 'I'm a little bit wooor, a little bit waayy, a little bit schwschwsch...'

Sylvester Hands: *Emerging from a shed* This week, I are been mostly eating rat soup.

Hordriss: A-ha, you know, Knightmare, isn't it? Small boys, in the Dungeon, helmets for headgear. 'Sidestep left... no, right! Well actually, left.' 'Where am I?' In danger I should imagine! Enduring image, isn't it? Wasn't it? Marvellous.

[Drassil]

[Pickle is tending to a fence at the edge of Dunkley Wood. Treguard trots over to him.]

Treguard: Ah! Hello, Pickle.

Pickle: Hello, Sir.

Treguard: Hard at work, I see. Out in the... in the wild outdoors. Pickle, I... [Long pause] Do you like The Crystal Maze... Pickle?

Pickle: I wouldn't really know about that, Sir.

Treguard: Right, well... it's just that some old episodes are being repeated on television, and I wondered if you'd care to... to... join me, Pickle?

Pickle: I've got to get home, Sir, Mrs. Pickle'll be doing me tea soon.

Treguard: Indeed. Well, I shall... I shall leave you to it, Pickle. Er... [Treguard half-walks, half-runs away.]

***

Majida: Scorchio!

***

[A local is in the Crazed Heifer, playing on its new fruit machine. Motley comes over.]

Motley: [Interfering] Ah, the fruit machine. What you've got to do is, put another two groats in, first of all... now hold the first reel, like that... then give it a little nudge... hold the bells... then jam it... that's weird, should've paid out. Oh well. [Turns around] Oi! Won't have any goblins in this pub!

***

Treguard: Doing a quest, Pickle, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman...

***

Brother Mace: So I was rummaging around at the Monastery, and I discovered a bottle of brandy that didn't turn me into a lizard creature when imbibed. Which was nice.

[Drassil]

[A Dungeoneer loses a quest. Treguard begins to commiserate the Team, when Inspector Monkfish from The Fast Show, dressed as a monk, marches into the Antechamber.]

Monkfish: Alright. Brother Monkfish - I'm in charge 'ere.
[To a couple of PCs] Find that Dungeon kid, and get him down to Forensics.
[To Treguard] You, beardy, go and keep my saddle warm.

Advisors: Excuse me, but-

Monkfish: What do you think this is, a game show? This is a murder investigation. So 'ere's a spell for you: D-O, O-N-E. You savvy?
[To Majida] And you - put ya knickers on and go and make me a cup of mead. Two sugars!