Corbiss the Bemuser

For all the comedians out there.
Drassil
Senior Staff
Senior Staff
Posts: 2025
Joined: Tue Sep 30, 2003 3:01 pm
Contact:

Re: Corbiss the Bemuser

Post by Drassil » Sat Feb 04, 2017 3:24 pm

Drassil wrote:
Sat Jan 14, 2017 12:07 pm
"Are you not due a meeting with Maldame?"
Or, as it's also spelt, Maldamay.

Thump and Maldamay appear to have a favourable meeting, compared by Thump to the famous Mogdred/Lillith partnership of an earlier age. At one point, Thump and Maldamay hold hands, shortly before an outbreak of projectile vomiting among onlookers. Thump, who has taken an Alternative Sight potion, believes they're cheering.

To further strengthen the New World and Old Realm's specious relationship, Thump also holds a meeting with a determined yet mercurial goblin/genie prince, known (via a scribing error) as the Mercurial Govlin. Though trapped in a bottle by the Powers that Be, "Gov" is able to communicate by misting up the glass and writing short words. Like Thump, Govlin is a supporter of the punched-through loaf known as Breadfist. (See 'Bad Dreem' on YouTube.) When the meeting is over, Govlin blows out a candle and is plunged back into darkness. Thump, who has been 'hydrating' with Alternative Sight all day, almost makes use of Govlin's bottle before being directed to a privy by his young consort Mellisania.

Thump also finds time to converse with Lord Fear, a role model of his. He takes in Fear's warnings about dungeoneers, referred to by the technosorcerer as little terrors. In order to keep terrors out of the New World, Thump imposes a transport ban. Oddly, this only seems to cover United Kingdom counties with no history of dungeoneering.

Meanwhile, Corbiss the Bemuser has heard how much Thump loves Breadfist. He issues a demand that all members of the Powers that Be commit to it (over, say, croissants) before the day is out. Some do, some don't. Among the latter is one of Corbiss' closest allies, Diane the Abbess, who has fallen mysteriously ill. Corbiss hopes she will get well soon. This is achieved when a group of cavernwights tip her down a wellway.

Drassil
Senior Staff
Senior Staff
Posts: 2025
Joined: Tue Sep 30, 2003 3:01 pm
Contact:

Re: Corbiss the Bemuser

Post by Drassil » Sat Mar 04, 2017 3:52 pm

In a distant corner of the Knightmare realm lies Coatland: the settlement that supplies overgarments to dungeoneers who visit Winteria. Many years ago, the Powers that Be claimed ownership of Coatland by placing an ornate chair there. For some time, this chair was looked after by James the Reeder, who falsely claimed to have been a dungeoneer but was liked nonetheless. When he could no longer bear to serve under Corbiss the Bemuser, James relinquished the seat. It was promptly stolen by the Opposition. Many folk wanted Corbiss to take the blame, but he refused. Finally he was heard to say, "Mea culpa". It later transpired that he'd accidentally swallowed some water from Maldame's domain (after a desperate Diane the Abbess spiked his tea with cut-price Power To Rule) and was actually calling himself a Mire gulper.

Also thwarted in his quest for a seat was one of Forage's fellow vagabonds from UDUM: a man known as Scuttle. Scuttle claimed not only to be a wizard but also to have known every dungeoneer ever. When these were exposed as falsehoods, he blamed them on his alter ego: a jester known as Nuttley. There is no comment on this from Forage, who is too busy checking Thump's policies before they emerge.

Drassil
Senior Staff
Senior Staff
Posts: 2025
Joined: Tue Sep 30, 2003 3:01 pm
Contact:

Re: Corbiss the Bemuser

Post by Drassil » Sun Mar 05, 2017 3:37 pm

While Forage has his head buried in the Dunwold Thump's policies, Thump himself has launched into a tirade against Treguard, whom he claims has been listening to his spyglass and shellphone conversations. According to Thump, Treguard had been advised that he could form fresh alliances by doing so. After a request from Corbiss for convincing evidence, this document emerges.
Spyglass tap evidence.png
Spyglass tap evidence.png (143.3 KiB) Viewed 307 times
Treguard responds: "Falsehood! The Acme Persuader has not been used for years. But as it happens, I do know how to tap a troll." He goes off to find the Series 7 troll hammer.

Drassil
Senior Staff
Senior Staff
Posts: 2025
Joined: Tue Sep 30, 2003 3:01 pm
Contact:

Re: Corbiss the Bemuser

Post by Drassil » Sat Apr 08, 2017 11:11 am

Meanwhile in Winteria, Queen Maesandre has bowed to the will of her people, who no longer want to be part of a united dungeon. To protect Winteria from invaders, a new border control is established in the form of Trial by Spikes from Series 7. This version contains over 49 spikes of ice and the queen activates the final one herself. As Maesandre triggers Icicle 50, her chilly kingdom looks to an uncertain future.

This includes a small settlement outside the main kingdom. Several Winterians, seeking warmer weather, live in the vicinity of a tavern known as the Gibbet and Altar. But the Opposition (which now seems to mean everybody outside Winteria) has a claim on the area. A retired Opposition henchman, Michael the Horrid, suggests that Maesandre and Lord Fear go to war over the Gibbet and Altar. Treguard remembers Michael the Horrid.
Drassil wrote:
Mon Nov 24, 2003 5:27 pm
"He is rumoured to have something of the frightknight about him."

Corbiss the Bemuser misses all this, because he's busy sorting out free food for dungeoneers. Something to do with the scrapings from vats. He'd like to offer free milk too, but Lillith's been nicking it for years.

Mashibinbin
Staff
Staff
Posts: 300
Joined: Mon Nov 18, 2002 4:38 pm
Location: Wallasey

Re: Corbiss the Bemuser

Post by Mashibinbin » Tue Apr 11, 2017 7:26 pm

[This really has to be one of the most enjoyable threads in the last few years so thankyou. I've ventured my own addition.]

Corbiss sighs as he contemplates the fact that over 5 times as few people would like him to lead the dungeon than Maesandre. Treguard ruminates that you just can't get the opposition these days...

Meanwhile, Dim Ferryman continues to try rallying his few supporters who were playthings of Sidriss back in the day - the litter all meddled cats. However not even dreadful jokes can save Dim and he cannot get any message across.

Drassil
Senior Staff
Senior Staff
Posts: 2025
Joined: Tue Sep 30, 2003 3:01 pm
Contact:

Re: Corbiss the Bemuser

Post by Drassil » Sat Apr 15, 2017 8:53 pm

[Thank you. Having an appreciative audience makes my quest to turn ire into satire all the more worthwhile.]

The Dim Ferryman seems destined to struggle. He wants silver or gold but has to make do with bronze. His prospects of leading the dungeon are so remote that some people are calling him Timothy the Faraway - or Tim Faroff.

Meanwhile, Corbiss the Bemuser is advised to hold a conference to press his messages home. Tired of critics coming out of the proverbial woodwork, he decides he is safest with actual woodwork - and invites weeping doors. Among them are Dooris, Doorkis, Dooreen, Doora the Deplorer, Dumbledoor (see you in court, JK) and Doorien, a weather-beaten walk-in wardrobe door from west of Winteria (see you in court, CS). Not invited is Doorson: many are scarred by his pretentious whining when he opens up, and nobody wants any more Doorson's creak.

Corbiss begins the 'press conference' by reciting the calling:

"True or alternative, alternative or true
I'm here to discuss policy and won't perform a rhyming couplet just to satisfy the mainstream media"

Unfortunately, the doors were led to believe that all topics, not just policy, could be discussed. So their questions include:

"When united airwans dragged a dungeoneer off an overbooked dragon flight, you condemned the dungeoneer because he was too close to the right wing. True or alternative?"

"Vlad the Putrid must answer for the crimes of King Assadre of Winsyria. True or alternative?"

"You're not terribly popular, are you? True or alternative?"

Corbiss declines to answer and grows irritated with the doors' inquisitive natures. His ogre calls Doorien a snowflake. But before Corbiss departs, he makes sure to detail his policies. This leaves the doors so bereft of hope that they donate themselves to the mainstream media. Tomorrow's newsscrolls will make extra depressing reading.

Drassil
Senior Staff
Senior Staff
Posts: 2025
Joined: Tue Sep 30, 2003 3:01 pm
Contact:

Re: Corbiss the Bemuser

Post by Drassil » Sat Apr 22, 2017 4:53 pm

The Dunwold Thump is concerned that the dwarves living in the Mines of Gorea might start launching stalagmites. Unable to visit the mines himself due to its lack of cakes and beaches, he asks Ah Wok to offend and provoke Gorea on his behalf.

Meanwhile, Queen Maesandre has returned from a sidestepping holiday in Wales. It's given her time to think. She is keen to keep putting the "ice" in "isolationist", but fears that others might disrupt her plans. Although she is already queen, that is not enough. She reasons that because a small percentage of her people know what's good for them, they will vote her in as Winteria's prime minister and secure her leadership if given the chance. So she gives it to them by calling a snap election - so named because Snapper-Jack makes the announcement:

"Snipper snap, snipper snap,
Give the saboteurs a smack."

Maesandre promises a new ice age and a strong, stable future for her people - ice being the strongest, stablest substance known to exist. She rallies her supporters by conjuring up hoar-frost and holding a joyous frost fair. It is later referred to as "that hoary party".

Corbiss the Bemuser had been looking forward to spending time on his allotment and producing a new batch of pear and cabbage jam. But when Maesandre called the snap election, she also caused a cold snap that has ruined his fruit and veg. Unable to cultivate a cabbage or grow a pear, Corbiss decides he may as well fight for the leadership of Winteria himself and bring it firmly into the dungeon.

Corbiss launches his election campaign to a group of Knightmare advisors. As he talks of his ambition and morality, he seems to put them under his spell. It's later suspected that he did this by actually putting them under a spell. Ultimately, the advisors reject his offer to stand up for them because they don't really do standing up.

Maesandre grows even more confident of victory and starts thinking of expansion. She sends a cavern elf to Corbiss' allotment with a measuring stick, to help her plan a series of Trial by Icicle defences once she annexes it. Corbiss attempts to have a very nice conversation with the elf but she turns the air blue (Corbiss' least favourite colour) and goes back to her measurements. He'll have his work cut out taking down the ruling Elita.

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 3 guests