Corbiss the Bemuser

For all the comedians out there.
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Re: Corbiss the Bemuser

Post by Drassil » Sat Feb 04, 2017 3:24 pm

Drassil wrote:
Sat Jan 14, 2017 12:07 pm
"Are you not due a meeting with Maldame?"
Or, as it's also spelt, Maldamay.

Thump and Maldamay appear to have a favourable meeting, compared by Thump to the famous Mogdred/Lillith partnership of an earlier age. At one point, Thump and Maldamay hold hands, shortly before an outbreak of projectile vomiting among onlookers. Thump, who has taken an Alternative Sight potion, believes they're cheering.

To further strengthen the New World and Old Realm's specious relationship, Thump also holds a meeting with a determined yet mercurial goblin/genie prince, known (via a scribing error) as the Mercurial Govlin. Though trapped in a bottle by the Powers that Be, "Gov" is able to communicate by misting up the glass and writing short words. Like Thump, Govlin is a supporter of the punched-through loaf known as Breadfist. (See 'Bad Dreem' on YouTube.) When the meeting is over, Govlin blows out a candle and is plunged back into darkness. Thump, who has been 'hydrating' with Alternative Sight all day, almost makes use of Govlin's bottle before being directed to a privy by his young consort Mellisania.

Thump also finds time to converse with Lord Fear, a role model of his. He takes in Fear's warnings about dungeoneers, referred to by the technosorcerer as little terrors. In order to keep terrors out of the New World, Thump imposes a transport ban. Oddly, this only seems to cover United Kingdom counties with no history of dungeoneering.

Meanwhile, Corbiss the Bemuser has heard how much Thump loves Breadfist. He issues a demand that all members of the Powers that Be commit to it (over, say, croissants) before the day is out. Some do, some don't. Among the latter is one of Corbiss' closest allies, Diane the Abbess, who has fallen mysteriously ill. Corbiss hopes she will get well soon. This is achieved when a group of cavernwights tip her down a wellway.

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Re: Corbiss the Bemuser

Post by Drassil » Sat Mar 04, 2017 3:52 pm

In a distant corner of the Knightmare realm lies Coatland: the settlement that supplies overgarments to dungeoneers who visit Winteria. Many years ago, the Powers that Be claimed ownership of Coatland by placing an ornate chair there. For some time, this chair was looked after by James the Reeder, who falsely claimed to have been a dungeoneer but was liked nonetheless. When he could no longer bear to serve under Corbiss the Bemuser, James relinquished the seat. It was promptly stolen by the Opposition. Many folk wanted Corbiss to take the blame, but he refused. Finally he was heard to say, "Mea culpa". It later transpired that he'd accidentally swallowed some water from Maldame's domain (after a desperate Diane the Abbess spiked his tea with cut-price Power To Rule) and was actually calling himself a Mire gulper.

Also thwarted in his quest for a seat was one of Forage's fellow vagabonds from UDUM: a man known as Scuttle. Scuttle claimed not only to be a wizard but also to have known every dungeoneer ever. When these were exposed as falsehoods, he blamed them on his alter ego: a jester known as Nuttley. There is no comment on this from Forage, who is too busy checking Thump's policies before they emerge.

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Re: Corbiss the Bemuser

Post by Drassil » Sun Mar 05, 2017 3:37 pm

While Forage has his head buried in the Dunwold Thump's policies, Thump himself has launched into a tirade against Treguard, whom he claims has been listening to his spyglass and shellphone conversations. According to Thump, Treguard had been advised that he could form fresh alliances by doing so. After a request from Corbiss for convincing evidence, this document emerges.
Spyglass tap evidence.png
Spyglass tap evidence.png (143.3 KiB) Viewed 1124 times
Treguard responds: "Falsehood! The Acme Persuader has not been used for years. But as it happens, I do know how to tap a troll." He goes off to find the Series 7 troll hammer.

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Re: Corbiss the Bemuser

Post by Drassil » Sat Apr 08, 2017 11:11 am

Meanwhile in Winteria, Queen Maesandre has bowed to the will of her people, who no longer want to be part of a united dungeon. To protect Winteria from invaders, a new border control is established in the form of Trial by Spikes from Series 7. This version contains over 49 spikes of ice and the queen activates the final one herself. As Maesandre triggers Icicle 50, her chilly kingdom looks to an uncertain future.

This includes a small settlement outside the main kingdom. Several Winterians, seeking warmer weather, live in the vicinity of a tavern known as the Gibbet and Altar. But the Opposition (which now seems to mean everybody outside Winteria) has a claim on the area. A retired Opposition henchman, Michael the Horrid, suggests that Maesandre and Lord Fear go to war over the Gibbet and Altar. Treguard remembers Michael the Horrid.
Drassil wrote:
Mon Nov 24, 2003 5:27 pm
"He is rumoured to have something of the frightknight about him."

Corbiss the Bemuser misses all this, because he's busy sorting out free food for dungeoneers. Something to do with the scrapings from vats. He'd like to offer free milk too, but Lillith's been nicking it for years.

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Re: Corbiss the Bemuser

Post by Mashibinbin » Tue Apr 11, 2017 7:26 pm

[This really has to be one of the most enjoyable threads in the last few years so thankyou. I've ventured my own addition.]

Corbiss sighs as he contemplates the fact that over 5 times as few people would like him to lead the dungeon than Maesandre. Treguard ruminates that you just can't get the opposition these days...

Meanwhile, Dim Ferryman continues to try rallying his few supporters who were playthings of Sidriss back in the day - the litter all meddled cats. However not even dreadful jokes can save Dim and he cannot get any message across.

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Re: Corbiss the Bemuser

Post by Drassil » Sat Apr 15, 2017 8:53 pm

[Thank you. Having an appreciative audience makes my quest to turn ire into satire all the more worthwhile.]

The Dim Ferryman seems destined to struggle. He wants silver or gold but has to make do with bronze. His prospects of leading the dungeon are so remote that some people are calling him Timothy the Faraway - or Tim Faroff.

Meanwhile, Corbiss the Bemuser is advised to hold a conference to press his messages home. Tired of critics coming out of the proverbial woodwork, he decides he is safest with actual woodwork - and invites weeping doors. Among them are Dooris, Doorkis, Dooreen, Doora the Deplorer, Dumbledoor (see you in court, JK) and Doorien, a weather-beaten walk-in wardrobe door from west of Winteria (see you in court, CS). Not invited is Doorson: many are scarred by his pretentious whining when he opens up, and nobody wants any more Doorson's creak.

Corbiss begins the 'press conference' by reciting the calling:

"True or alternative, alternative or true
I'm here to discuss policy and won't perform a rhyming couplet just to satisfy the mainstream media"

Unfortunately, the doors were led to believe that all topics, not just policy, could be discussed. So their questions include:

"When united airwans dragged a dungeoneer off an overbooked dragon flight, you condemned the dungeoneer because he was too close to the right wing. True or alternative?"

"Vlad the Putrid must answer for the crimes of King Assadre of Winsyria. True or alternative?"

"You're not terribly popular, are you? True or alternative?"

Corbiss declines to answer and grows irritated with the doors' inquisitive natures. His ogre calls Doorien a snowflake. But before Corbiss departs, he makes sure to detail his policies. This leaves the doors so bereft of hope that they donate themselves to the mainstream media. Tomorrow's newsscrolls will make extra depressing reading.

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Re: Corbiss the Bemuser

Post by Drassil » Sat Apr 22, 2017 4:53 pm

The Dunwold Thump is concerned that the dwarves living in the Mines of Gorea might start launching stalagmites. Unable to visit the mines himself due to its lack of cakes and beaches, he asks Ah Wok to offend and provoke Gorea on his behalf.

Meanwhile, Queen Maesandre has returned from a sidestepping holiday in Wales. It's given her time to think. She is keen to keep putting the "ice" in "isolationist", but fears that others might disrupt her plans. Although she is already queen, that is not enough. She reasons that because a small percentage of her people know what's good for them, they will vote her in as Winteria's prime minister and secure her leadership if given the chance. So she gives it to them by calling a snap election - so named because Snapper-Jack makes the announcement:

"Snipper snap, snipper snap,
Give the saboteurs a smack."

Maesandre promises a new ice age and a strong, stable future for her people - ice being the strongest, stablest substance known to exist. She rallies her supporters by conjuring up hoar-frost and holding a joyous frost fair. It is later referred to as "that hoary party".

Corbiss the Bemuser had been looking forward to spending time on his allotment and producing a new batch of pear and cabbage jam. But when Maesandre called the snap election, she also caused a cold snap that has ruined his fruit and veg. Unable to cultivate a cabbage or grow a pear, Corbiss decides he may as well fight for the leadership of Winteria himself and bring it firmly into the dungeon.

Corbiss launches his election campaign to a group of Knightmare advisors. As he talks of his ambition and morality, he seems to put them under his spell. It's later suspected that he did this by actually putting them under a spell. Ultimately, the advisors reject his offer to stand up for them because they don't really do standing up.

Maesandre grows even more confident of victory and starts thinking of expansion. She sends a cavern elf to Corbiss' allotment with a measuring stick, to help her plan a series of Trial by Icicle defences once she annexes it. Corbiss attempts to have a very nice conversation with the elf but she turns the air blue (Corbiss' least favourite colour) and goes back to her measurements. He'll have his work cut out taking down the ruling Elita.

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Re: Corbiss the Bemuser

Post by Drassil » Sat Apr 29, 2017 6:03 pm

Once upon a time, there was a Norman eccentric named Beaujolais de Pfeffel - or Beaujeau for short. He joined the dungeon as a disciple of Lillith, inspired by her untamed hair in Series 1 Quest 2. Time passed and Beaujeau set his heart on a quest: seizing power in the Great Mire - which, as we know from Treguard, is as big as the United Kingdom (subject to change). Thwarted in his personal ambitions, he accepted a job with Maldamay as her court jester.

Keen to inject merriment into the Winterian election campaign, Beaujeau appears before Corbiss the Bemuser and quotes from Series 2 Quest 12, in which Mildread said to a red-clad visitor: "Mugwump! Lost, are you? Well, never mind. You don't look worth finding!" Corbiss is unamused and, deciding that Beaujeau should practise his diplomacy further afield, casts a spell that sends the jester tumbling between Knightmare's parallel realms.

On his travels, Beaujeau visits the Timebusters realm, where he writes falsehoods on the side of Buster the red bus. Later, he finds himself in a dimension where Corbiss is admired by all. This turns out to be the Virtually Impossible realm.

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Re: Corbiss the Bemuser

Post by Drassil » Thu May 04, 2017 4:05 pm

There's an old comment that seems somehow relevant.

http://knightmare.com/forum/46/4460#p12820:
Fidjit wrote:
Thu Nov 06, 2003 4:01 pm
I can'ts keep up with all of this...  :(

But it rolls relentlessly on. Queen Maesandre, eager to make plans for Winteria's impending isolation from the dungeons, requests a meeting with Treguard. He really can't be bothered. Instead, he asks one of the Normans to do it for him. His volunteer, Jean-Claude the Jongleur, arranges a meal at The Crazed Heifer to see if Maesandre gets the reference.

By some accounts, the meeting does not go well. Maesandre sits with a sword drawn, doesn't hear what is said to her and refers to mystical forces which will guide the outcome in her favour. For this, she is dubbed a "bladed deaf occult woman".

Maesandre is also criticised for chanting "strong and stable" over and over. She claims that she saw a drunken vagabond nearby, repeatedly falling onto and cracking the wooden surface in front of him, so she called for a "strong Hands table".

There's trouble in Corbiss the Bemuser's camp too. Diane the Abbess speaks with Wolfenden's town crier about Corbiss' plans to put more blockers in the dungeons, but she struggles to explain how much gold this will require. The humiliated abbess tries to hide out in a dwarvish village, but the locals tire of her and swing axes at her legs. Having worn out her welcome in Hack-Knee, Diane makes for her abbey, taking a short cut through a corridor (how dare she?). This turns out to be the old Hall of Spears. Diane shrieks for the spears to stop but one of them gets her in the shoe, tripping her up. "Sorry!" says Gumboil. "I mispoked."

At the end of a long day, Maesandre and Corbiss both take a recommendation from their advisors to reacquaint themselves with the history of the dungeons, by viewing magic mirror records of past quests. Maesandre watches Quest 3 of Series 3, in which a bright light goes off a cliff. Corbiss watches Quest 7 of Series 4, in which Jeremy gets laughed at before failing when he strays too far to the left. Shrugging at the irrelevance, they both retire. But not in a good way.

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Re: Corbiss the Bemuser

Post by Drassil » Sat May 13, 2017 8:20 pm

The Dunwold Thump has a dilemma. He has always been happy for dungeon folk to use spyglasses on him. After all, what is the point in an ogre smashing things up if there's nobody to see it? However, he's heard that spyglass sorcery may soon be combined with magic mirror alchemy to create advanced spyglasses, affordable to even the most impoverished and health deprived villager, that can spy on the past. And if this happens, everybody will see that it was the Opposition that helped Thump beat the pillory and come to power.

Thump solves this by dismissing his Head of Spyglasses, Brother James of the Encomium. Clever old Thump.

To celebrate, the Dunwold has a pool installed. It turns out to be a Pool of Veracity, and Thump has no idea what veracity is. Looking at the instruction manuscript, Thump sees that the Pool can make hands bigger. This appeals greatly and he sticks his hand in.

Thump's giant fingers appear in the sky above Corbiss the Bemuser. Frowning, Corbiss insists there will be no hand holding.

Thump wonders what other appendages he can enlarge. He decides to lower his foot in. While this giant foot is puzzling to some, Corbiss knows how to respond. Borrowing a minecart from his supporters, he runs over it.

The minecart ends up in a wellway room. Corbiss finds a crone reading Queen Maesandre's scroll of proposals. He gives the crone his own scroll of proposals and waits for her response.

Throwing the tiresome documents to her hound, Mrs. Grimwold bellows: "Shuddup, manifestos!!"

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Re: Corbiss the Bemuser

Post by Drassil » Sat May 20, 2017 1:37 pm

Drassil wrote:
Thu May 04, 2017 4:05 pm
Maesandre is also criticised for chanting "strong and stable" over and over. She claims that she saw a drunken vagabond nearby, repeatedly falling onto and cracking the wooden surface in front of him, so she called for a "strong Hands table".

Despite our best efforts, truth is stranger than fiction.

Talking of fiction, Corbiss the Bemuser retrieves his scroll of proposals, though it's not immediately clear whether it's been through Festus or not. He presents it to Treguard, who also has Queen Maesandre's manifesto to read.

Concealed behind an arras, Corbiss listens to Treguard react to each scroll. To one, the Dungeon Master says, "Ooh!" To the other, he says, "Nasty!" Corbiss is sure that the second remark is about Maesandre, whose forebears are remembered for hosting a nasty party.

Later, the scroll is returned to Corbiss. On it, Treguard has written: 'For the nasty, not the ooh'.

Treguard turns his attention to other matters. He's been asked to investigate the Dunwold Thump, who is alleged to have shared dungeon secrets with the BBC. Thump's response is to emboss the words 'THIS IS A WITCH HUNT' onto his throne. This appals the Grey Sisters, who have memories of Thump trying to grab their familiars. Peggatty is dispatched to adjust the message on Thump's throne by burning off the 8th, 9th, 10th, 12th and 13th letters.

In need of some light relief, Treguard starts to read the Dim Ferryman's manifesto in the moments before the temporal disruption bell. "Hmm. He knows of the secret plant that Pickle grew behind Oakley. He wishes to make it lawful for all. Daisy! Do we still have that..."

*BONG*

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Re: Corbiss the Bemuser

Post by Drassil » Sat Jun 03, 2017 6:01 pm

The Dunwold Thump has moved into an opulent new abode: the Covfefe of Confusion. It is built on dudgeon and deceit, which he alone has mastered. Rumour has it that everything is gold, even the showers.

Meanwhile, Corbiss the Bemuser decides to attend a public meeting of those who hope to lead Winteria. Also there are Scuttle the jester, the Dim Ferryman and Mistress Caroline of the Pookas (she speaks for the greens).

Queen Maesandre herself is not there, put off by the prospect of warmth. In her place is a risk-taking member of Maesandre's personal coven (the Mae' Sisters) known as Amber the Gambler.

The meeting takes place in the Vale of Mogdred, under what is known as the game bridge. Sadly, Mogdred is not there to hear all the pledges.

Corbiss brings with him a shovel provided by his supporters in HOGG. It was last seen in Series 2, when it was mistaken for giant spoon and dubbed the Spoon of Interest. Watchers wait to see whether Corbiss will use it to make himself interesting or to dig himself a hole.

Following his decision not to have a biscuit before the meeting, Corbiss becomes hungry and delirious. As he listens to Amber the Gambler explaining Maesandre's pledge to put food in front of starving vagabonds at the beginning of each day - a "strong Hands table breakfast" - he has visions of a giant boiled egg. Moments later, after a supporter has restored Corbiss' Life Force with a crisp, he realises he has cracked Scuttle round the head with the Spoon of Interest. Scuttle is denied bandages on account of his opposition to face coverings.

The meeting gives Corbiss plenty to think about. He is most intrigued by Amber's talk of a magic money tree. Getting hold of one would increase his fortunes and improve his allotment at the same time. A former dungeoneer assures Corbiss he can provide not one but two such trees.

The following day, Corbiss is alarmed to find his allotment overrun with crazy rabbits and coins made of fool's gold. The former dungeoneer, Leo, has given him a bad money tree and a mad bunny tree. At least the rabbit multiplication will help Diane the Abbess with her numeracy.

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Re: Corbiss the Bemuser

Post by Drassil » Sat Jun 10, 2017 6:59 pm

During a wander through Level 2, Corbiss the Bemuser finds a bowl of Uppers (as seen in Quest 6 of Series 4) near one of the exits. By blending them with his magic, he raises his support across Winteria and gains a new epithet.

Encouraged by the exit bowl, Corbiss the Enthuser coaxes Queen Maesandre out of hiding and invites her to concede the election. She refuses, insisting that she has been "very clear" (much like ice). After hearing this for the fifth time in a row, Corbiss becomes suspicious and casts a spell that his brother used in Quest 3 of Series 8. Maesandre is exposed as a reconstituted Bimboid.

The Maeboid flees Winteria, careering through a field of wheat and diving into the Forest of Freneville. Later, a group of forest owls is found strung up by icicles. While everybody is fretting over this hung parliament, the real Maesandre seeks refuge in the Rift of Angar (also referred to as the Rift of Anger, or the Ire Land) with a coven known by its enemies as the Dungeon's Unpleasantest People. Watchers wait to learn the nature of a Swiftly Organised Farcical Union with this Coven of the Dungeon's Unpleasantest People - though the abbreviation may give a clue.

Winteria, meanwhile, is in disarray. Its election had no win and everybody is tearier. Corbiss hands round homemade plainberry jam sandwiches and waits to see what is required of him.

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